Probably anyway. I’m at Burning Man all this week so I will be incommunicado. Right now I’m probably prancing on the desert playa in my birthday suit taking pictures of gigantic art exhibitions that have no business being in the middle of a desert. Many people have told me that Burning Man will change your life. I’m skeptical as always. I expect to find a really good time, but nothing life altering. Still, I keep an open mind. In preparation for this paradigm shift, last week I wrote this post to evaluate where my life is currently and where I might want it to go.
I’ll admit it. I’m not where I want to be in life. I am not WHO I want to be. There’s a large part of me that thinks that fact is the reason I can’t find someone I want to be with FOREVER because I’M not the person I want to be. I’ve created a very simple life for myself. It moves along at it’s pace and requires little maintenance, but that’s made me lazy to a certain extent. So let’s see who I would’ve LIKED to be by age 32.
I wanted to:
- be making at least $100k/yr
- be around people who relied on me, saw me as a good manager and someone they could come to for help or advice; a role model
- be married with a child or one on the way, a family man
- travel with my wife and share amazing experiences together
- be head over heals in love
- play the piano or guitar
- speak another language
- be an actor
Yeah, that’s who I’d like to be. But let’s not completely neg on me here. What do I have going for myself?
- a job that let’s me work 10 days a month and make enough to pay for my lifestyle plus savings
- traveled all over the world, been to 29 countries on 6 continents and all 50 states
- friends who care about me and amazingly creative people who inspire me (and I’ll admit fill me with jealousy at times)
- rental properties that pay for themselves and my housing plus some left over
- great parents who are still together and serve as role models for what the world COULD be like
- written and published a book
- had the pleasure of beautiful life intersections with amazing people
- done A LOT of extreme recreational activities and can hold my own at any moment if someone calls on me to do anything on snow, in water, or in the air.
Seeing these things laid out in front of me, I realize how much I have to be thankful for. But it still doesn’t change how I feel; like it’s just not enough. Everyday I face the unconquerable question: do I look for HER or do I look for MYSELF? Do I use the NOW in my life to better myself or to commit to someone with whom I want to share my life?
I’m hesitant to talk about relationships on here because it’s a sensitive subject. But it dominates my thoughts a large percentage of the day, just as it probably is right now as I lay out on the playa, collecting dust in crevices I didn’t know I had. We’ll see what insights Burning Man has to give me. Perhaps I’ll leave Black Rock City thinking of it as many burners do: home.
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